Ok, so the past few weeks (or maybe almost a month) i’ve been experience MANIC ANXIETY. Or maybe i’m actually sick with sometime and my illness is telling my body to panic. Either way. It all started right when I started getting my shit together, me and steph started insanity, I went alot with the diet plan. Day one it starts. I feel my throat closing up, thought I had an allergic reaction. Called paramedics, they just gave me a bunch of benedyrl. Whatever. Day two, i’m at work, I feel lightheaded, I feel my throat closing up. Pop a benadyrl (which oddly enough can treat anxiety???) and then whatever i’m over it. Next day was fine, but then the day after that I had exercised so hard and had to drive so immediate and was late for work that i’m running late I feel like i’m gonna pass out in the car, I hadn’t eaten, i’m frantically trying to eat but I feel sick and it was terrible my boss manager whose a trainer on the side sent me home that night. Yes i think i’ve had sinus infection problems this month too, and had extremely tension headaches lately, and even now I have one or a cold or something congestion like. But it’s like lately i’m on a constantly anxiety attack, and now that i’m starting to tell myself its anxiety and not me having heart problems or me being sick, or me working out, or me being dehydrated the more i’m starting to be on a 24 hour constant anxiety attack and i’m starting to get depressed, starting feelings of hopeless, and seeing a rise of suicidial feelings that logically are not in my nature and would never do. Which terrifies me. I don’t know where these attacks came from, why now, what’s egging it on. But it’s terrible. And the worst part is i’m starting to get really get hopeless like I can’t fix it. i’ve always been depressed. But it’s always been super situational. My mom was a bitch who put me down all the time - so I wanted to leave and I hated being home. Not being home made me happy, so I did it.. alot.. I clung to guys out of escapism, and then when they didnt love me, I would get depressed. My dad died, and I think thats the first time I started having anxiety attacks, they would come out of nowhere too. Like I would be eating lunch and I felt dizzy and I couldnt breath (I also had a bad sinus infection though too, and I remember taking afrin alot getting antibiotics and feeling healthy too… but that also might have been because i started being social during me taking the afrin too) But thats the only time in my life where I felt as desperate as I do right now. Super lonely, wanting to cling to something, feeling like I have a secret terminal illness and i’m dying and im afraid to die but also feel like I have nothing to live for. And I got better, and it stopped. But now it started again? Why? Well I did move to albuquerque when that first bout started, and then I met justin, and then I was too focused on him to focus on my anxiety. And then when we were good we were good, and then I wanted to live because it was like oh someone loves me, I enjoy living and want to have a future with him. And it’d still have like half hour panic attacks every few months like, oh my god I took an medicine im allergic to am I gonna die, or like, what if I got air in my blood and I die??? and id annoy him shitless with it but thats the thing. He was there to say babe your crazy calm down youre not gonna die and id feel better. And that’s how I got through living by myself. Then we broke up, but I was living with my best friend by then so that got me through it. Then we had a huge fight I moved out moved to another house with some aquiantances, started doing drugs drinking heavily, and then when they all became psycho bitches out to ruin my life I moved back in my apt by myself. My coworkers have grown more and more toxic and at both jobs to the point I feel if I leave it wont get better cause itll be new, ill be more alone, and theyll grow to hate me too. Lilley said something semi true, she said that not everyone is attacking me and at some point I have to come to terms with the fact the problem is me. she’s right, bitchness aside and how poor sent her statement was. Everyone doesnt intend to attack me, but every joke and nag and everything they do is illsent, no one is nice to me ever, and though they arent attacking me it is so damaging to my self esteem but no matter where I go I will have this problem because it cant be everyone, it has to be me. Me and jess mended up, but she lives with her bf now, were never gonna be living together again and the second she moves ill be hopeless. I never hang out with people, I never do anything but work with people who put me down constantly, I struggle financially, i’m in debt, and if an emergency happens my electricity gets cut off or my rent doesnt get paid cause I have no source of emergency money. My mom is no help and though we have started to have a civil relationship she is not good at emotional or financial support. I get sad when she doesnt call me, she thinks that calling me once a month is sufficient and im so much more independent and better off than her that I can take it, but I have nothing to clean too. It’s a terrible statement. I’m codependant. and as much as I strive to be independent, and manage to make it on my own, i’m miserble. I’m miserble NOT being codependent. But I can’t find anyone i’d want to date and people try to get close to me but I wont let them. I’m not afraid, I just think im too good for them and their only losers who will bring me down. But the truth is im right, everyone who wants in my life are people who pull me down, my best friends I cut ties with just do drugs all the time, and have abusive relationships, but now that everyones cut out of my life I have nothing to do, im depressed, maybe this is why im anxious, I never have anything to do and I dont have money to do anything. I want to go back to school but I cant until im better on my feet because then I will have time for it and not fail out like the last semester I took. I quit drinking, and I think that it makes it worse because maybe my alcoholism was helping me anxiety, but now im constantly feeling sick, dehydrated, heart palpatations, I mean it could all be the anxiety but then I feel anxious about drinking and as soon as I feel a buzz I panic and wont let myself get drunker than that. I blame the MDMA I did 6 months ago, which doesnt even make sense, it probably out of my system but I cant even talk about it or think about dubstep or raves or I get anxious (like I was on MDMA) so now im like, what do I do? I made a business of surrounding myself around shallow people, because I found myself to be shallow. But when they start being shallow towards me I cant handle it. I want real friendships, real support systems but I always attract losers or people who arent doing well for themselves, and then that brings me down. So i feel like its have loser friends or no friends and im dying. I never realized being an orphan would be so terrible to your mental health. Sometimes I feel like if I could stay with my parents if I lost my job or go to my parents when im sick to take care of me but thats not an option, if I miss work im on the streets. And then I get anxious about that. I get anxious about waking up for work on time to the point I cant sleep. My anxiety keeps getting worse and worse and I try to make budgets and fight my debt and get a smaller apt and be more social but its overwhelming me and the anxiety is working faster than my solutions. Im so unhappy and I constantly feel that no one loves me and if I make a facebook status about this I will get 5 witty comments about how im dumb or this is my fault and then 2 replies from losers I dont even wantt o be close with about how THEY love me. Gee, thanks. To top it off im pretty sure justins on drugs. So the guy I spent years keeping me straight and having as a father figure has lost his fucking mind and I have his friends constantly telling me about it. If he cant hold it together then FUCK. No ones stable in my life. I have 400 fb friends their all in abusive relationships and on drugs. I dont know what to do. I feel like I cant stay strong if the strong ones are falling. I try to find my other ex I met years ago online and not only is that a ghostchase but I almost find absolute proof that my old best friend made him up, and he was never real. So then I try to talk to her and she totally deletes her fb account, makes a new one, and ignores me. So its like everyone who has ever I felt to have geniunely love me doesnt exist. I feel unlovable. I feel lost. I’m drowning. I just want to live and be successful and be popular and im losing this fight so hard. I dont wanna end up killing myself. I dont have money for theraphy, I just wish that those I love would love me back and be there for me and get me out of my apartment and help me not be so lonely. No one wants to be my roommate and im just. Its terrible. I dont know what to do anymore. I’m so mentally damaged, and I think ive always been but its finally took its toll to where I can see it. I could spend time telling people how sad they make me and how I love them, but it wont change because ive tried this all before. People wont care until im dead, and then theyll care… for 5 minutes… and then forget. I want to live so I can touch people, get close to people, have real ties that tie me to the world. It’s just so terrifyingly hard.
